Monday, November 15, 2010

What is really going on head?

The brain...its a complex thing. So many lobes, and processes and just stuff to put it bluntly. But its amazing how one organ can make the whole body move where it wants to, do what it wants, think about what it wants, and suppress thoughts that we may not want to remember.

For the passed couple of months my brain has gone into overdrive super quick. So many thoughts about people, places, things...They all keep piling up and I need an outlet to tell them all to. However like most people I am very guarded about my true deep down desires. However when I consume copious amounts of alcohol, its like the guardhouse keeper fell asleep with the gate wide open.

Case in point....Saturday night I felt so overcome with emotion that I let it all out to one person in particular. The person whom I was talking to was such an excellent listener though. They took it in stride and would not let me leave the vehicle until I dried my eye and cleared my throat. I layed it all pretty much on the line, and we talked, and I felt a hundred times better after finally clearing it all off my chest. However I do not know the outcome of what my conversation with said person has done for our friendship. So if you read this, please sent me a message and let me know if I freaked you out or shocked you, or anything...especially if its positive.

Anywhoo, my parents got back yesterday from their one week Bahama cruise, they are well rested, and well "tan" terms they are crispy brown. They were shocked to hear that we had snow on Monday morning at 3:30 when the puppy decided to take me outside for a walk...yes he took me out...he really needed to wee. They were telling me all about their trip and about how much fun it was until they reach Nassau. Nassau supposedly you are bombarded once you step off the ship onto dry land, with photo opportunities, carriage rides and jewelery. Thinking they were taking a carriage ride of historical Nassau they entered the carriage at 20 dollars each and away they went to see...The Tile Store, the Hospital, The various jewelery stores, and the gas station. All in all they said it was fun trip except for the 17-26 foot seas on their way back to NYC.

So today I sit here not having to work at the grocery store and it feels awesome to not have to be there surrounded by hateful and spiteful people, knowing that I just have to work 5 hours at Leaps and Bones tonight where I have much more fun and get to play with dogs...and speaking of dogs this is where I sign off because alas, the puppy is whining to go outside AGAIN...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I sit up at this late hour...or is really? I'm not sure anymore...

I realized today that after watching "Easy A" that I need to be more outspoken. I have let people trod all over me in life, use me, abuse me, make a fool out of me, all for the experiential and motivational gain. If you are one of those people, right off the bat I say sir or madame...F**K YOU!

Growing up in predominately white, middle to upper class, heterosexual world, I was always different. From the first grade on up to senior year of high school I was always labeled as not being in the "norm". I knew in 6th grade that I was not a heterosexual male, however I did not know what gay even was, I just knew that I liked boys. Fast forward to 8th grade when I started coming out to close friends. By freshmen year of high school it was well know that I was a flaming homo. Every day it was a natural occurrence to see me being judged. Called names, pushed, shoved. All my life I have been treated that way. I know this is starting to turn into "bitch moan, bitch moan, whine whine whine." But this is the way I get my feeling across better. I have never been much one to talk about my feelings, I hold back all the time. I always live this facade of happy go lucky, and only a very choice few have seen me at my worst times, and even fewer have seen what truly lies beneath the tormented facade of my life.

I am making a pledge today however. Just as Olive in "Easy A" did, that I need to be more outspoken, speak up for who I am, speak out. No longer shall my life be trod on, no longer shall I wait in the shadows, lurking for the right opportunity...No longer shall I live with a facade over me. I will be me, the true me that is yearning to come out. I may have come out of the closet, but I have not come out of my shell yet. The new me shall be more outspoken, more proactive, more caring about myself first, and others after. I'm not saying that I won't listen to your problems, or try to help you, but right now...right now I need to live my life, and be me, the true me, and once I gain that acceptance...self acceptance which is the hardest to gain...then I know I can take on the world and anything that it throws at me. Whether it be tonight, or 10 years from now...I know I'll make it, one day at a time.......

Friday, September 24, 2010

My first blog

My first blogging adventure. Oh boy do I have a lot to write, but not all in one sitting, no no, that would be too much!

We start today with me. I am a simple boy with simple pleasures. I work two part time jobs, one I love, and one I dislike very much so. I'll let you figure out which ones. One is a job at a store called Leaps and Bones where we sell everything a dog does not really need, but the owners want to buy them. I see tons of different folk coming in. From the "I just want dog treats" people, to the people who buy sweaters,jackets,bedding,toys,treats,and specialty treats from our cold bakery case. This job has really opened my eyes to amount of people who really care about their animals, and want to love them unconditionally as if they were children.
My other job is being an "everything" clerk at a grocery store. This particular store has really dicked me around, I went from part time, to full time, and back to part time once again. The reasoning is because they wanted to transfer me from a store about 5 minuets from home, to a store that was a little more than an hour away from my home. My only choice was to go part time again so I didn't loose the job.

More about me, lets see....I am a gay male who lives with his parents (LAME). I want to try and go back to school for Energy Healing and Holistic Healing. The beauty that comes out of an energy field and aura around the body is simply amazing. I will update more about these adventures as they happen.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LADY GAGA, and her music is the inspiration for who I have become and what I do. A lot of people say she is a Madonna/Bowie/Prince sell out, however she is not. She is original, she is herself, she is beautiful and talented. The overwhelming presence she has is amazing. At her concert last week, I was so over come with emotion, I missed the first two songs because I was crying, unlike the thousands around me that were screaming her name and "FUCK YEAH"ing. I am currently reading a biography on her life titled "Pokerface: The Rise and Rise of Lady GaGa" This book does not only delve into how Stefani Germonatta became Lady GaGa, but how Stefani, the girl, grew up. If anyone is interested it is by Maureen Callahan.

I have so much more to write, but I must get ready to go to the doctor, and then meet my cousin for lunch before I work the dog store tonight. More on my cousin and our odd relationship (non-incestual, I promise) on later blogs.