Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I sit up at this late hour...or is really? I'm not sure anymore...

I realized today that after watching "Easy A" that I need to be more outspoken. I have let people trod all over me in life, use me, abuse me, make a fool out of me, all for the experiential and motivational gain. If you are one of those people, right off the bat I say sir or madame...F**K YOU!

Growing up in predominately white, middle to upper class, heterosexual world, I was always different. From the first grade on up to senior year of high school I was always labeled as not being in the "norm". I knew in 6th grade that I was not a heterosexual male, however I did not know what gay even was, I just knew that I liked boys. Fast forward to 8th grade when I started coming out to close friends. By freshmen year of high school it was well know that I was a flaming homo. Every day it was a natural occurrence to see me being judged. Called names, pushed, shoved. All my life I have been treated that way. I know this is starting to turn into "bitch moan, bitch moan, whine whine whine." But this is the way I get my feeling across better. I have never been much one to talk about my feelings, I hold back all the time. I always live this facade of happy go lucky, and only a very choice few have seen me at my worst times, and even fewer have seen what truly lies beneath the tormented facade of my life.

I am making a pledge today however. Just as Olive in "Easy A" did, that I need to be more outspoken, speak up for who I am, speak out. No longer shall my life be trod on, no longer shall I wait in the shadows, lurking for the right opportunity...No longer shall I live with a facade over me. I will be me, the true me that is yearning to come out. I may have come out of the closet, but I have not come out of my shell yet. The new me shall be more outspoken, more proactive, more caring about myself first, and others after. I'm not saying that I won't listen to your problems, or try to help you, but right now...right now I need to live my life, and be me, the true me, and once I gain that acceptance...self acceptance which is the hardest to gain...then I know I can take on the world and anything that it throws at me. Whether it be tonight, or 10 years from now...I know I'll make it, one day at a time.......

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